Thinking about how, so often, I don’t feel like a real person. I feel like for decades I’ve been choosing the “coolest” things I see in other people and deciding to internalize them or whatever.
It’s a thing that really fucks me up actually! The root of a lot of shit. I’ve always felt like it made me someone who’s pretending to be/playing at being an interesting/nice/caring/whatever human. “These have not always been my default behaviors so they’re not how I really am”.
It makes it so that my most basic reactions are the only ones that I ever really consider. Anxiety, paranoia, anger. Those are my “real” emotions, the “real me”. Everything else is fake since I have to think about it. I am just a simple monster playing at being a good person.
In my head every time I’ve fucked up was a natural occurrence, everything else was damage control so that I could lie to myself/everyone about how “good” a person I am.
I’ve been working really hard on this shit for the last year though and I expressed a thought in the last 5 minutes of therapy that I don’t think had clicked until that moment for me. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.
“I don’t wanna do that because I don’t think that the person I want to be would do something like that.”
I’m not gonna “naturally” be exactly the person I want to be, and working towards trying to be that person doesn’t make me a fake person. It just makes me someone who wants to be different and is fucking trying, that’s it.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯